I will bless the Lord at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul shall make her boast in the Lord: the humble shall hear thereof, and be glad. O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together. I sought the Lord, and he heard me and delivered me from all my fears. 

Psalm 34:1-4

Friday I went to a women’s group that was very encouraging and loving. I got to unload a lot of weight that I been carrying this year. I feel like I been unloading my crap…feelings. Thoughts. Losses. Pain on any caring arm.

I’m Angry, God

I have tried to suppress my real feelings about losing my mom and having my miscarriage but taken everything out on my husband & myself.  Not wanting to let God know that I’m angry about these losses.

I’ve been taught to reverence to God. Don’t blemish his name. But I’m hurt. I’m mad. So conflicted, by my thoughts to be a real child of God and not dwell on those things and let them go. Going through my day hiding away my true feelings.

I find myself smiling at children loving on their mom’s it makes me happy. Then a dark cloud out of nowhere comes and rips the image out from me & I have to turn away before the poisoning thoughts spill out.

Thoughts of never hugging my mom again. Of how I was getting to the point where we were enjoying each other. Or why at a young age she had to go I need her to help me with things like the loss of a child.

Then the other side of that image floods me with thoughts of why God would you bless us with the gift of a child to only take the child away? God’s Word is fill with women who wanted children am I set to be like one of them?

Why can’t I just have it easy?

Being at this women’s group I was able to share another layer of hurt. Pain. Anger. I was able to have a group of women that allowed me to express my dark rooted feelings without looking at me in judgment.

I never want to go against God because I love him with all that I am. As much as I been going through God has been there with me along the way. Building me up and making me stronger.

Psalm 121

I lift my eyes to the mountains—from where will my help come? My help comes from the Lord, Maker of heaven and earth … 

Psalms and David

One of the ladies reminded us that in Psalms, the 1st half David was so angry with God. How he had pity parties for himself asking God why he had forsaken him. I’m not saying I’m on some David level, but I’m not going to lie. I did want to fall out, get bitter, turn my back on God and call a time out, take a break. Tell God that I needed some space. That he could get back to me when I was less angry.

I did not need to do. I did need to breathe.  To realize all I was going through and still will have to go through will be much harder to go through without God.

Example

It’s like a child that blames a parent for their parents’ divorce. Not having all the facts and reason behind the issues that cause the pain and turmoil. The child only sees that parent they feel they are the force to live with caused the marriage to fail and the other parent to leave.

The child only sees what they want to see. They never see the hurt that parent is in, knowing that the child is angry and blames them for their misery. That everything that parent is doing is for that child’s future success.

I didn’t plan to be motherless now watching others congratulated on their exciting news of a new baby love. At the same time feeling guilty that this is a joyous time for them, and that I should congratulate.

Just like in the other half of Psalms David began to find peace and love for God again. His angry had been subduing because of the compassion God has for him. The truth is I heard that David was one of God’s favorites. A man after God’s own heart.

Morning Prayer Line

Then this morning I joined a prayer line. Submitted my prayer for strength to getting over my strong desire to become a mother and let God’s will and timing done in his time. I was instructed to read 1 Samuel and the story of Hannah.

Hannah

As I began to read her story, I began to feel peace. Finally, another woman that felt like me desperately desiring to conceive a child. Grieved that the one thing her body was made to do hasn’t been able to do.

Questioned by her husband and him to feel like her not being able to have a child meant that he wasn’t enough for her. Which isn’t true. I love my husband. If it is meant for us just to be the two of us, then I want to be in a place where I can accept that. But God doesn’t chastise us for being discontent.

1 Timothy 6:6

“But godliness with contentment is great gain.”

Meaning when we have our human desires, becoming overwhelmed, disappointment by them is not to say that that this is sinful in God’s eyes. God understands our feelings. That’s why it is important to stay yoke to him. To read his words for strength and understanding. God invites us to bring our desires to him.

Philippians 4:6

” In nothing be anxious; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.”

God took their weakness and created a Great plan

I do know that in the midst of David and Hannah’s weakness that they turned to God. Though their faithfulness they were able to trust God. At the time of their grief for their desires, they didn’t understand why they were going through what they were going through we for a greater purpose.

They didn’t know that God knew that they story had a beginning and an end that the trust that they placed in God was never misplaced. David and Hannah’s circumstance were just small pieces of their greater accomplishment.

I’m not trying to put myself up there with King David or Hannah, the mother of Samuel a great prophet that anointed the first two kings of Israel (one being David –1 Samuel 16:7).

What I’m saying is don’t let your circumstance stop you from accomplishing the greatness God has in store for you. You are not your circumstance. You are a child of the highest. God is the King of Kings. Your struggle now is just a testimony to your Diamond later.

Letting God

I can let go of my why this & why that. Let go of my anger. I want to be a woman after God’s own heart. I know want I’m feeling is temporary. That one way or another I’ll be a mother. God’s word says so. Either women with a womb that will be fruitful and multiply or a barren woman who is a mother to many. So, either way, I’m good.

As far as the loss of my mother I’ll love her always. I have a family to share stories about my mom. The word of God says he will want ever I need him to be. Right now I need him to be my parent. To guide me and lead me. To love the pain and angry away. God more than ever. Hear my cry ole LORD, and turn me into overcomer best story.

xxo,

Ind!go

Just Indigo Because I don’t know how to be anybody else but myself!

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