What Heart?-Stage 3

Rolling 20’s

I was 26 years old, string out on love (a couple of bad relationships, late night booty calls) “doing me.” The pain was too much so I blocked it. I numbed myself up with dance clubs and my team of men I would call when I needed whatever I needed from them. I was in the space of don’t get played you play first. (I know really dumb) My role models had changed. I was becoming someone that no one really liked. I was mean. I hated that I hadn’t found ‘the one.’ I give up on the search and took what looked good to me.  The one good thing that I had going for myself at that time was that I would still ask God if the person I was seeing at that time was who he made for me.

When God would say “No” Then my disappointment would kick in when he would tell me that ‘this one means me no go.’ I felt stupid that I allowed my guards to fall down a layer and that whatever charm that had let them in ( One line would be ‘I’m looking for a church girl’ what a killer).  My life was fowl. How could I be rewarded with “the one” when I was still in my sin?

Rank tude

My attitude towards my family was rude and stank. Especial to my preaching mother. I straight up told my mom don’t preach to me any more I didn’t want to hear what God had to say about my life. That was a laugh.  Ever heard “warning comes before destruction”?

If you had listen and ask God for help, change or do whatever he needs for you to do so he will spare you from the destruction ahead.

But if you are like how I was. Then walk out boldly and accepted the biggest butt whopping you ever had in your entire life (story for anytime).

Saving movement

Let say it took a cold dirty street ground, some handcuffs and LA not so finest, to help your gurl to take a closer walk with Jesus. In that moment I was saved. Not only my life from being killed, but God gain his life back through me. I became his child again. He didn’t see me as the fornicator who was searching for love or the party girl that like to have a good time.

He seen me as his child that he wanted to trust him and allow him to fight my battle and supply my needs, hopes, and desires. I heard of people getting save right in the mist of them committing their sins. It was happening to me. I was saved. I no longer found the need to use my body as a weapon against myself for the pursuit of love. I no longer found myself longing to hunt for the one.