They don’t want me –
When I started to get the hang of dating, my bar was low. I was like I’ll take anyone that will take me. The only three rule I had was that they had to at least be as tall as me (taller than me was a plus because I’m 5’9), they had to go to church or be open to going to church with me, and they had to meet my family and at least like them. So easy right. Not at all.
All the guys I seem too attractive could smell my insecurity. Which made me what them more. It was as they gave me enough just for me to do all the work in the relationship.
Try-outs
One guy, I dated I liked him. I wanted him, but I didn’t pick up on the booty call signs. He told me he wasn’t ready to be in a committed relationship because he was focused on training to try out for a walk on NFL football team. I choose not to hear that. I choose not to see that he only call me over to hang with him when it was passed 10 o’clock at night. I didn’t see that he wasn’t into me only what I could do for him.
The Fixer
Another guy I dated that I wanted was too busy getting fired from jobs. He had children from a previous relationship and he like to party. Just not with me so much. He likes to tell me how good of a girl I was and how I was a great girlfriend. I ignored the fact that he wanted to be a stay at home father. I turned a blinded eye to him becoming depress about losing job after job. I watched him watch porn and then turn to me for affection. But I wanted him because I felt I could help him.
Love me less but love me only
The guy that I wanted most of all was the one that said I love him too much. But didn’t want me to love anyone else. Because he was dealing with his abandonment mother issue, he reflected them on me. When I loved him too much, he would pull away which only made me feel abandon.
Then when I felt abandon and alone, he was ready to let me love him again. It was a sick pattern, but I only wanted him more. I see us together. I thought I was the one he needed to show him, real love. I made a vow to myself that I would never let him down or let him every feel like he was alone. But the truth of the matter was that he didn’t know how to love. Only how to hurt. So he rejected me.
Now I’m hot they all on me
I call these the backup to the backup. The guys that wanted me but I didn’t want. After years of hunting for a mate, I was ready to settle for anything. With each relationship with the guys, I wanted only created a low list of standards.
I had to take a hard look at my first stages of dating to see why I wasn’t attractive the man I wanted to marry. I pointed out One issue when I was first starting dating was I felt alone in the process. I didn’t have any real guidance. My first date and sort of boyfriend was my prom date. I become his girlfriend by overhearing him telling his friends that I was.
I was always doing what made other felt I should. I didn’t have a dating voice because I was the “whatever you like” queen from ‘Coming to America.’ I put the men that wanted me on the back burn for the men that wanted me when they would come back around.
God, I don’t trust you
Saying your trusting God and showing action that you trust God are two different things
Looking back over my single life I see many things that left me alone for so long. I didn’t know how to date. My standards were low and it could had been due to some insecure I had. No, I think it had a lot to do with my insecurity. But the number one thing was I didn’t trust God. I never started my dating career (yes I say it) by dating God first.
My parent didn’t let me date till I was 18 years old. So I couldn’t wait to have my first boyfriend that would turn into my husband. The Bible says lean not unto your understanding. So I did the opposite. I didn’t read my word so I could be prepared for the dating world. I use my understanding, picking men that I had no business dating. Allowing men to choose me that I had no business dating. Prolonging the process for my husband and not valuing the waiting process that God was trying to place me.
I wanted my husband and white dress at today. I wasn’t willing to put in the work to getting to know myself that trusting God allows. I didn’t want, to be honest with myself and forgive myself for the men I messed with. I wanted to be a victim of the dating world and not take responsibility for my action. I was ready to play the blame game. Which only made me more angry, bitter and single.
“And therefore will the LORD wait, that he may be gracious unto you, and therefore will he be exalted, that he may have mercy upon you for the LORD is a God of justice; blessed are all they that wait for him.” Isaiah 30:18
Continue to Part 1, 2, 4
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